LOSS — As I faced my second greatest fear – the thought of losing my beloved – loss overtook me, numbed me.  In the last 18 months I lost more of importance than I had over my entire life.  I thought there must be an ocean of tremendous grief, but I could only feel the shell of a person in shocked numbness.

I think perhaps I am just used to losing things that matter. Part of so much hopelessness in the past 18 months probably stems from this great loss.  Here is my list – it shows me I am not insane, but sane in an insane situation.

  • FAMILY
    • My mother passed in November 2012
    • For weeks faced ongoing high probability that my soulmate would die within months to weeks, sometimes going to bed wondering if she would be alive in the morning
    • Lost my sister as she became a most vile person with so many of her ugly actions, judgements, and words towards me and my father before, during and after my father reached out for help in his financial and physical crisis, and with the funeral – she would not even look at me and my father at the funeral
  • CHILDHOOD HOME
    • Lost my childhood home of 37 years as I had to help my father abandon his house in 3 weeks so he could could qualify for medicaid to keep my mother from being evicted from her nursing home
    • Lost almost everything I grew up with as I just could not afford the time nor money to save anything from my family’s estate sale – so the furniture, antiques, art, trinkets, mugs and dishes, yard tools, tractor, x-mass tree, bike, etc. GONE and I did not get a chance to say goodbye
  • MY ROLE AS SON BEING ABLE TO LOOK TO MY FATHER FOR SUPPORT
    • My father cried out for help to save my mother from being evicted and his house being taken from him – with 2 months I stopped my mother from being evicted, did an estate sale of his house and took him through bankruptcy – and after over 250 hours of work, he is now ok
    • Within 1 hour of my mother passing I had a call from her nursing home wondering where to take her body, because my father had not planned ahead for anything – I flew out to MO and took care of all details for the memorial service
  • FINANCIAL
    • Lost any sense of dignity/ manhood as we had to go on food stamps to make ends meet, yet I did not make ends meet as I relied on my soulmate’s credit
    • Lost all safety nets as we sold all assets we could to raise funds and tapped all sources of credit
    • Lost all use of credit as we maxed out to simply live
    • Lost time to build my business as my life became survival to heal my beloved of her cancer
  • LIFESTYLE
    • I said no to tango, to friends, to calls, to entertainment, to eating out, to cafes, to socializing, to FB, to writing, to blogging, to movies, to exploring, to traveling, to cultural events, to leaving the house but for endless grocery shopping trips, medical appointments and obtaining cancer weeding supplies
    • Lost my freedom to do much of anything outside of our radical healing program as we had an hourly regimen and protocols to follow hourly
    • Lost my freedom to eat what I wanted, as that had only resulted in a messed up body – so I chose to eat based on testing, health protocols, detox methods and other radical approaches to reclaim my health in the face of such pain and debilitation in my body
  • COMMUNITY
    • Lost most socializing and outside contact I became isolated in my whirlwind of warrior action with 7-12 hours/ day of our radical healing program
    • Lost support from one of my men’s group when I most needed it after my soulmate had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and my mother passed
    • Lost a future of dancing Tango regularly as my body gave out even more and I became resigned to a few times a year of dancing
  • HOPE
    • Lost any notion of ever having enough energy to help anyone for anything significant other than myself
    • Lost hope of having much of a life, and wondered what living was for
    • Lost so many dreams and hopes of a future with my soulmate (for 6 months)
    • Lost purpose of anything other than just surviving and loving my beloved that I thought would die anyway
  • BODY
    • Lost eyesight where I can’t see closer than 15 inches (was 6 inches) and an astigmatism became bad enough that I discovered that I even had an astigmatism for the first time
    • Lost 34 pounds (Yay!  I loved this one!)
    • Lost so much movement, sleep, vitality out of great pain and debilitation

WHY BOTHER?

I ask why bother to write this? share this? I need greater inner peace – I have very little. Until the past month, inner peace has been some nice “thing” some people eventually cultivate and experience. Good for them. I once had a measure of that but …

Too much chaos, pain and crisis reigns in my life, for it is King, not I … I abdicated my throne to it.

I need to acknowledge to myself and make space for the loss I have experienced. For the sake of life, mine and my soulmate’s (Talyaa), I must make space for my LOSS as I reclaim Kingship of my inner land so peace will one day reign again…

Now, something FANTASTICAL this way comes … In 4 days …