Misery alert — this is about hopelessness, failure and a spiritual enema.  It is an honest chronicle of my struggle with healing my soulmate’s body of stage 4C cancer.  And life sucks right now…

Little hope

I have little hope, I’m depressed and don’t want to write.  Why?  I’ve been in survival mode for my soulmate, Talyaa Tamsen Liera.  Day to day living sucks, with little hope that it will change any time soon.

Every day I invest 5-7 hours into cooking, juicing, cleaning, shopping, errands and planning.  Add to that another 1-2 hours for more research.  Then I need to decompress in the little time left over.  This is a full-time job.

What’s even harder is that I get very little uninterrupted time with my soulmate.  Between the both of us we spend 5 hours in the bathroom with our detoxifying coffee enemas.  She has a juice every hour 13 times/ day with 3 meals that all need preparation.  And of course she needs extra sleep.

AND it is hard not knowing if what we are doing is working — are we giving her body all of what it needs to get rid of the weeds (cancer).  I question how much future we have left.

What has helped me get through hard times in the past is BUILDING, working towards a better life.  Now even having much of a future is in doubt.

What am I building?  Skill sets on juicing?  Getting to know SoDo streets here in Seattle where I get produce at wholesale?  A little extra muscle when I lift six 5 gallon water jugs each week?  Building character by being a caregiver?

Owning personal truth

Yes I am cynical and snarky now.  I could be a good woo-woo sensitive new age guy (snag) and just say it will all work out.  But that is crap, and certainly not owning my truth.  This really sucks, and that is owning my truth.

Whatever truth I don’t own, owns me.

When I want to change something, I have to first own my truth.

Low point

My low point came when Talyaa, my Akua, lay in bed all day with a high fever with a lot of pain, nauseousness, and depression.  Though I know that a high fever is great in killing weeds (cancer), I still knew that my soulmate was hurting.  Really hurting.

And I was all alone in the kitchen juicing, cleaning, washing, cooking.  I missed my soulmate, and was very worried about her.

What about me?

I face another personal truth — what energy and time is left for me?  I have few clients and have little available energy to market and network to attract more clients.

Also in the midst of these very hard days I deal with my body issues – pervasive pain, low energy, healing reactions, sore muscles and joints.  I still hurt.  I could go on with even more valid complaints.  Just know it has been bad.

The Gerson therapy, which I tried for 2 weeks, was supposed to give me a lot more energy.  But, it is really for carb metabolic profile types, and some mixed types.  With protein metabolic types, my type, IT SUCKS.  BAD.  With 75% of my diet being carbs, I hurt.

I ended up radically changing my diet a third time, to what works according to metabolic typing, with an enzyme-rich approach.  I still have a lot of tweaking to do, but at least I am not hurting myself.

Another attempt at hope

I want to note all that I have done, create lists of my actions that build my future.  Often that gives me hope — making lists of accomplishments.

But I hear my soulmate in my head giving me back my words with great snarkiness, “So how’s that working out for you?”  My reply, “Not so fracking good.

I have done a lot to build a better life for myself.  But where the FRACK are the results?  SHOW ME the clients!  SHOW ME the money!  SHOW ME the excitement!  SHOW ME the adventure!  SHOW ME the Joy!  SHOW ME the pain-free body!  SHOW ME great probabilities of a long future with my Soulmate!

I see way too much failure.

Failure only comes down to 2 things

Not being able to change one’s personal reality  comes down to one of two things:  Either you do NOT HAVE a great plan or you are NOT WORKING the plan.

So I ask myself, is my plan wrong or am I not working my current plan?

I need a better plan.

Change my reality

Believe me, I WANT to change my personal reality.  I want a way better life.  WITH my soulmate.  I want a great life with my soulmate so bad that I am unwilling to continue to fail in changing my reality.  So I MUST own and remember how bad my reality is now.

If I don’t fully own my truth, I could just easily get used to life sucking, not even notice how bad it is and forget what is possible.  I could adapt to life sucking and think life is fine as so many people do.  I call that adaptation – settling.

I WILL NOT SETTLE!  EVER!

How often have you heard someone answer the question, how are things going? with “fine” or “good” or “OK”?  Do you think those answers reflect a life someone truly wants?  is passionate about?

I need a spiritual enema

I have often used a phrase for my clients, “You need an emotional enema.”  The irony is not lost on me knowing that I do 3 enemas a day.

I also realize how much I need not just an emotional enema, but a spiritual one.  I need to flush the hopelessness, depression, despair, loneliness, and frustration out.

How do I get a spiritual enema?

I know the extreme danger of using woo-woo magical thinking, where I could just make-believe that everything will be better.  That is denial, and although “positive thinking” can be helpful, it also often prevents people from taking appropriate action to change that which they CAN change.

Does a Spiritual Enema exist?

How do I stick a hose up my spiritual arse, fill my soul with magical coffee, retain for 15 minutes as I urgently feel the urge to release, then sit upon the porcelain goddess to let go of the pent-up poop of putting up with shitty parts of my life, and finally flush for frack’s sake?

BUT, is wanting a spiritual enema really just an Impotent Search For The Cosmic Big “O” or wanting my Big Universal Tit?