I felt a flood of emotions, accompanied by a surge of spine-tingling energy, trembling, heat, and deep heartfulness as I stood among legendary airplanes and space craft in American history. Only about 2 dozen other times in my life have I felt this distinct sensation, and that was around ghosts and unseen entities. I shuddered. I teared. I breathed deeper. I fought to not outright cry, as I thought I would lose it right there in San Diego’s Air & Space Museum.
FANTASTICAL ODYSSEY — The alchemical crucible of my dark night of the soul forged something FANTASTICAL through fear, isolation, abandonment, depression, pain and debilitation, worthlessness, loss, shame & poverty, and spiritual rot.
SPIRITUAL WASTELAND — On November 3rd 2005, I walked away from tending my spiritual land when I chose to embrace and be consumed by Argentine Tango. I discovered years later Tango lacked what I needed to nurture and grow my spirituality, and I found my spiritual land in waste.
SHAME & POVERTY — A man can feel his masculine energy by penetrating the world with his gifts, being a generative force in his community – making a difference. Earning money can be one demonstration of how deeply a man penetrates with his life force. I have felt impotent, and great shame.
HOPELESSNESS — Hours turned to days turned to weeks turned to months. For almost an entire year, what I saw and felt ahead of me was more fear, isolation, abandonment, depression, pain and debilitation, worthlessness, loss, poverty and shame, and a spiritual wasteland.
LOSS — As I faced my second greatest fear – the thought of losing my beloved – loss overtook me, numbed me. In the last 18 months I lost more of importance than I had over my entire life. I thought there must be an ocean of tremendous grief, but I could only feel the shell of a person in shocked numbness.
WORTHLESSNESS — “Do you want to die?” I asked Talyaa Liera my soulmate, shortly after doctors gave her months to live with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. I realized I was working way harder at healing my beloved than she was.
I told her that even though my agenda was for her to live, I would ONLY support HER agenda, which on her present course was to die.
PAIN & DEBILITATION — My body has failed me in so many ways through great pain, injury, limitations and loss of movement, aches, sickness, life-threatening illnesses, birth defects, traumas, and wounds. Here is a snapshot, in just the past 18 months, that my pain and resulting debilitation created my private hell.
DEPRESSION — Mind numbing, debilitating, life wasting, energy robbing, humiliating, daily depression descended as a black blanket blinding me to what being alive was ever like. Most of my adulthood I battled depression and lost.
ABANDONMENT — During my dark night of the soul, in November 2012, my mother passed. Not a single man in one of my men’s group called. Some men did not even email, even though they knew of my loss.
RETREAT — Shortly after my soulmate Talyaa’s cancer stole into my dark night of the soul, I went dark on life. I retreated from the world into a private whirlwind of massive action to heal my beloved.
FEAR — On July 28 last year my soulmate Talyaa Liera found out she had stage 4 cancer, and was told she had just months to live. My life exploded into fear.